Recently a friend described herself as lost.  But after a pause, she said, “Well, lost is a place too”.  I had never heard this phrase, but it struck me deeply.  We are never truly lost:  God knows where we are, and He creatively uses any interior place to draw us deeper into His heart.

The most powerful and poignant illustration of this truth is the story of the Prodigal Son (Lk 15).  Thinking that he was on a journey to find himself and his own life, this young man left his father’s  house with his inheritance, and set about tasting all the pleasures the world had to offer…until he found himself with no money, no friends and for food, only husks of corn that had been fed to the pigs.  For a Jew, you can’t fall lower than that.  He was thoroughly lost.

And yet, it was from hitting bottom that he came to his senses.  Everywhere he had sought for life only led to death.  Only from this outside perspective did he realize what he had lost.  Not just the abundance of food, and his inheritance money, but his identity as a son, loved by his father.  From this faraway place, he found his heart’s deepest desire: to reclaim and inhabit this identity.  And so he returned home.

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Another lost man, Zaccheus, had left his place in Jewish life by becoming a tax collector.  He found power and plenty of money, but had lost his interior identity and home.  On some level, he must have been aware of this and longing for change, because he ran out to see Jesus when he was passing by.  Furthermore, he let go of any sense of dignity and propriety by climbing a sycamore tree, since he was too short to see the Lord.  He was lost, but Jesus had already found him.  When Jesus called to Zaccheus, he immediately and joyously hosted him, and promised to repay those he had cheated fourfold!    When people (as with the Prodigal Son’s older brother) complained about Zaccheus’ restoration to God’s favour, Jesus said, “Today salvation has come to this house, because this man too is a son of Abraham, for the Son of Man has come to seek out and to save what was lost” (Lk 19:10).  Like the Prodigal Son, Zaccheus needed only to turn towards his true home and identity, and the Redeemer did the rest.  

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All of us go through a crisis like this at some point – it’s not always visible, but can be an interior journey.  Mine came when I turned 40 and was thrust into a classic mid-life crisis.  I had been happily living my vocation as a consecrated woman in Madonna House for 15 years, when I suddenly seemed to wake up and realize that I would never have my “own” life, with a husband and children,  and the freedom to direct my own path, rather than allow my superiors to do so.  Like the Prodigal Son, I lost my senses, which had kept me happy and grounded in my vocation.  I became blind to the meaning and gift of what I had been living.  I wanted to leave home and find my own life outside.

To this day, I thank God for giving me the grace to wake up and realize on a deeper level than ever before, my identity as a woman consecrated to God in the Madonna House way of life.  My desire for marriage showed me the beauty of this vocation in a new way, but also that my exclusive marriage with Jesus (and all His people!) was my truest identity and joy.  Like the Prodigal Son, I was lost for a time, but I am grateful for that place of being lost, because it was there I reclaimed my spiritual senses, and understood my life and calling more clearly and joyfully.  

Some years after this, I was led on an Ignatian retreat by a holy Italian priest.  I was feeling somewhat adrift spiritually, and needed help to return wholeheartedly to God.  One day I was given the story of the Lost Sheep for my meditation.  In despair, I came to my retreat guide the next day and complained:  “This is exactly my problem!  I keep wandering away from the sheepfold, making the Good Shepherd come and fetch me again and again.  If I were a little lamb who didn’t know better, I could understand it.  But I’m an old ewe and shouldn’t be wandering like this!”

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This kind man looked at me with compassion and said, “Oh no.  You don’t want to just live in the sheepfold, do you?”  Well, yes, I thought that was the point.  He said, “Imagine the joy of the Good Shepherd when he finds his little lost sheep, who feels afraid, ashamed and helpless.  Imagine his joy as he puts her on his shoulders, nestled so close and intimately to him.  Imagine their joy together, as his little one pours out her fear, her relief  in returning to her true home in Him.  He loves to find her over and over again, because it deepens their bond of love”.  

That little parable changed my heart forever.  I am no longer ashamed when I find myself lost yet again, having wandered from prayer, or a heart of service and humility, or any variation of infidelity.  I more quickly come to my senses, remember my identity as beloved daughter, call out to my Redeemer, and revel in the journey home.  In fact, I almost rejoice when I find myself lost,  because that means I am already found!